How to spot a toxic friendship

Some friends build you up, but others can drag you down without you even realising. Stick to the good ones and avoid the nasties with our guide to how to spot a toxic friendship.

1. She’s a negative Nigel
A friend who refuses to see the positives in life can be a bad influence. Always looking at the glass as half empty can mean they don’t appreciate all the good things they have and this negative approach can rub off on you, too. Make an effort to point out the positives, but if they persist with a negative outlook they may not be the friend you need. ‘If their negativity becomes too much, consider reducing the time you spend with them or be direct and tell them that their negative chat is exhausting you,’ says life coach Louise Presley-Turner (thegameoflife.co.uk).

2. She has to win, at all costs
While a little competition is undeniably healthy, too much can be irritating at best and affect your self-esteem at worst – especially if they put you or your achievements down in order to feel like the ‘winner’. ‘Compare and despair can be very tiring. It’s so easy to compare ourselves and then feel bad and judge ourselves about where we are based on what we see others doing. It’s exhausting, discouraging and more over, if we’re not careful, it makes us feel totally inadequate,’ says Louise. If your buddy can’t bear you beating them over 5K, or gets stroppy when you get more attention on a night out, it’s time to have a word. Your friends should celebrate your successes with you, not sulk about them. They may not realise they’re being so obviously competitive and may be open to toning it down. But if all else fails, step away. ‘Take a break from those friends that pull you down and start focusing on your own life for a change,’ advises Louise. ‘What do you want to achieve this year, what’s your biggest ambition and what action do you need to take to start moving towards this?’

3. She’s a ‘yes’ man
A friend that can’t say no to you and always says you’re right is just as bad as one who does the opposite. A ‘yes’ man can be great for your confidence, but their advice is no good and won’t get you very far. ‘Friendship is about being supportive, but you also want someone to be real with you. You can sense when someone isn’t being authentic,’ says Louise. Have a chat and say you’d really appreciate their honesty – perhaps on a small issue like a dress choice – and see what you can eek out of them. ‘When you feel a friend is just agreeing with you to make you feel better, look them in the eye and ask them if that’s what they truly think. Notice their response and body language. Tell them that you want them to be honest,’ recommends Louise.

4. It’s all about her
Every problem you have, you can bet your bottom dollar she can come up with something worse, or a long story about how the same thing happened to her. ‘We all want to be heard and there is nothing more off putting than someone who constantly carps on about themselves,’ says Louise. People who constantly change the subject back to themselves don’t make for great listeners and a friend who doesn’t listen will struggle to provide you with support when you need it most.

5. She’s always busy…
Unless you’ve got a great party invite or freebie she can cash in. A friend who’s always ‘too busy’ to talk through your problems at work, help you plan a mate’s birthday or have a quiet girly night in, but always clears her schedule when you invite her as your plus one to a hot gig or fancy party is not worth your while. ‘Friendship is a two-way thing. It doesn’t work if all the effort is coming from one direction,’ says Louise. Sure it’s great to have fun with your mates, but real friends are the ones who get stuck in with the unglamorous stuff, too – and will drop everything when you need them most.